She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
