Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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