My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
