i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
