my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
