the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
