That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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