Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
