His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
