had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
