why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
