Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
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You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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