my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
