Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
