He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
