dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
