I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
