I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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