Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
