It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
