Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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