just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Never joke about your clitoris.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
