1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
