my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
