I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
