she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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