Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
