dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
