So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
