I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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