Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
