Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
