the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
