Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
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He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
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You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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