Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
