She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
