Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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