i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
