my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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