dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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