so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Vodka?
Forever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
