My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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