1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
