I'm jealous of your bromance
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
