I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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