You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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