Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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