i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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