I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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