I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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