This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize
