just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
