I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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