the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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