Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
