We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
