I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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