Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
