How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
