He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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