Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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