Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
